Puss n’ Toots: How You Can Save 9 Lives

The plan this week was to craft The Autobiography of Anonymous: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Someone You Don’t.
But, like the best-laid plans and golfers, it crashed, when a more acute issue escalated Cadillac-style into the poplar culture tree.
No nontroversy, this; it is simply the story of the drug of choice [...]

Nation’s Transition from Lawyer Jokes to Stock Broker Jokes Nearly Complete

New York City – The zeitgeist of this country’s humor reserves has recently come about like a weathervane in a nor’easter, pointing away from its traditional target – lawyers – and directly at a new one: stock brokers.
Prompted by widespread financial ruin, government bailouts of Wall Street firms, and the relentless scrutiny of [...]

White House Appoints Amish as Chief Wall Street Overseers

Plain Dress Short Selling to Replace Naked Short Selling

Manhattan – The Obama administration announced Sunday a set of sweeping changes that will place all of Wall Street under the watchful regulatory eye of a community for whom integrity and austerity are cornerstones of life.

In a ceremony Monday, a wooden buggy with triangular orange safety sign [...]

SawyerSpeaks Dog Horoscope for September 2009

ARIES – Today is a 10! That said, the average life span of your breed is a 9.
CANCER – It’s going to be a great day today – the sun and the toilet seat are both up.
CAPRICORN – You’ll be scratched heartily all morning, though it’ll be the wrong ear.
LIBRA — Hey there, [...]

Periodical Cicadas Make Exception for Tarnes

Barneveld, WI – A swarm of insects called Periodical Cicadas has abandoned its usual 13 to 17 year interval underground, emerging prematurely to torment Barneveld resident Larry Tarnes.
Cicadas are known for their relentless, achingly painful high-pitched squeal, which has alternately been described as running a hundred meters of coaxial cable through a [...]

Of Great Lakes, Oceans, Barack, Satchmo and Tiger

Lake Michigan’s water level is down four feet since 1997, retreating from the homes along its shores in a perpetual low tide caused apparently by us. Wooden docks stretch dozens of yards across newly exposed sand like capital Ts chasing after the departing lake, each new length of timber a bit less grayed than the [...]

Sandra Bernhard Lapse May Create Celebrity Vacancy

Hollywood, CA – The continued absence of comedian Sandra Bernhard from the public eye may soon create an opening for a new celebrity.
Entertainment officials explained today the American public is able to hold precisely 9,542 celebrities in its collective consciousness, including models, actors, musicians, politicians, authors, athletes, competitive eaters and Ross Perot.
Beyond that [...]

Around here, that’s what we’d call a dead dog

AP – CHEYENNE, Wyo. – A man said he saved his dog’s life after sucking venom from a rattlesnake bite out of the animal’s nose. Bobby Jenkins said he began feeling ill after getting his dog, Tank, to a veterinarian. He went to the hospital and received a dose of antivenin.
In all, Jenkins needed four vials [...]

Michael Phelps Breaks Waterboarding Record at Gitmo Pool

He may have lost a pair of races this week, but 14-time Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps is dipping insurgents at Gitmo like they’re pretzel sticks in grey poupon.
“My turns and my finishes have really improved,” said Phelps, as one suspect revealed the location of caches of IEDS, IOUs and IUDs. “That last [...]

Obama to Printer Ink Cartridge Industry: “You’re next.”

The days of paying more for a set of replacement ink cartridges than for a new printer may soon be over. On, oh what the heck, let’s say Tuesday, President Barack Obama asked a Senate subcommittee to investigate whether exorbitant replacement ink cartridge costs are a result of collusion within the close-knit replacement ink industry. [...]