The divorce rate in America hovers at around 50% and that’s one in two which must be quite a surprise to the other spouse.
You can read about it in Divorce Magazine, the existence of which is equally surprising give or take an error rate of four percent.
It’s not quite as bad as the odds of a family of five plump white Minnesotans getting kidnapped by Somali pirates after being left behind by their Carnival Cruise ride supposedly by accident and floating up to a Somali pirate beach on National Kidnap-A-Midwesterner Day in gaily colored “Glee” inner tubes they earned with Fruit Roll-ups boxtops.
But it’s bleak, and celebrities are taking the lead as they do in all things since they have time on their hands and money on their money.
The Kim Kardashian vs. Kris Humphries marriage lasted 72 days, 54 more than Sinead O’Connor vs. Barry Herridge. Those two gifts to society made it 18 days, briefer than many YouTube kitty videos. The minister got to “Do you take this –” before Barry found himself thinking, “I really like long hair on a woman,” and began speed-dialing his attorney. Haiku lasts longer.
Katy Perry vs. Russell Brand endured 14 months, only slightly outlasting their joint Us Magazine subscription.
Demi Moore vs. Ashton Kutcher? Demised.
Giant Austrian governor vs. Skeletor? Terminated.
Even Larry Wattenski, Jr. is getting divorced, and he’s just a guy nobody ever heard of.
Clearly what’s needed is to begin managing expectations, a business term MBAs invented to define the hypnotizing of employees in hugely profitable corporations so they won’t scream de profundis as if they’ve just been prodded with a hot branding poker when told there will be no bonus paid to anyone in the company this year as far as they know.
Temps
Here then, updated, diluted and delaminated
2012 WEDDING VOWS.
(Vow seems too strong a descriptor. “Wedding Demurral”? “Wedding Acknowledgment?” “Wedding Hypothesis?”)
PASTOR
“Will you please, as an expression that your hearts are joined together in lust like a temp approaching benefit status, now join your hands.
“(Groom’s Name), do you take (Bride’s Name) to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for some time – for better, for richer, in perfect health, and forsaking some others, being faithful only to her at least until the appetizers arrive at the reception?”
GROOM
“Perhaps.”
PASTOR
“(Bride’s Name), do you take (Groom’s Name) to be your wedded husband to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him for better, for richer, in perfect health, and forsaking some others in this room, be faithful only to him until Tuesday?”
BRIDE (checking Blackberry)
“Can we make it Monday?”
PASTOR
“I now pronounce you Acquaintances. See you next time, kids. Be sure to pay the lady on your way out.”
Use them if you’d like. After all…in an era when the average marriage lasts no longer than a roll of quarters in an Indian casino, why make promises you can’t keep?
© 2012 Jeff Sawyer
Always … Entertaining!
As usual my stomach muscles hurt after reading your blog. Keep up the good work. It is much more entertaining than doing situps.
Thanks Andre! (Although, isn’t most anything more entertaining than doing situps?)