Plain Dress Short Selling to Replace Naked Short Selling

Manhattan – The Obama administration announced Sunday a set of sweeping changes that will place all of Wall Street under the watchful regulatory eye of a community for whom integrity and austerity are cornerstones of life.


In a ceremony Monday, a wooden buggy with triangular orange safety sign will be hitched behind the street’s famous Charging Bull.

The Bull was sculpted by artist Arturo Di Modica, sometimes referred to as the one person “ever to create something of value on Wall Street.”

The Street’s new slogan, “Greed is Bad,” and a Bordnung of Directors will be introduced. The Bordnung will immediately go to work with scythes and sickles, plowing under the hundreds of convoluted financial instruments that have swindled Americans and virtually bankrupted the nation’s treasury.

Nearby Old Navy Store Re-Merchandised

The big trading houses have already begun to fall in line. What follows is an excerpt of the existing Goldman Sachs mission statement:

“Our clients’ interests always come first.”
 
“Our goal is to provide superior returns to our shareholders. Profitability is critical to achieving superior returns, building our capital and attracting and keeping our best people.”

“We pride ourselves on having pioneered many of the practices and techniques that have become standard in the industry.”
 
“We have no room for those who put their personal interests ahead of the interests of the firm and its clients.”
 
“We consider our size an asset that we try hard to preserve.”

“We know that the world of finance will not stand still and that complacency can lead to extinction.”
 
“Our business is highly competitive, and we aggressively seek to expand our client relationships.”.
 

The New Goldman Sachs Mission Statement, effective Monday:

1. Can you renounce the devil, the world, and your own flesh and blood?

2. Can you commit yourself to Christ and His church, and to abide by it and therein to live and to die?

3. And in all order (Ordnung) of the church, according to the word of the Lord, to be obedient and submissive to it and to help therein?

Amish elders have reassured wary executives that once each year, during Rumspringa, the traditional Amish period of “running around,” regulations will be relaxed somewhat. During this period, a small amount of misbehavior will be expected, such as consuming a glass of wine at lunch, or missing one dinner with the family. However it is not encouraged, and those who persist in such frivolity beyond the close of Rumspringa will be banned from the financial community forever. Further, those found to be participating in credit default swaps or derivatives will be sent to Mare Sterns, pictured here, for reform.

The arrival of Amish overseers would appear to signal a wiser, safer new era on The Street, and certainly a more modest one. And yet, as this reporter was leaving the financial district Sunday, an Amish buggy arrived behind a team of horses. It had been extended to a stretch buggy, and a sunroof was observed.