Lake Michigan’s water level is down four feet since 1997, retreating from the homes along its shores in a perpetual low tide caused apparently by us. Wooden docks stretch dozens of yards across newly exposed sand like capital Ts chasing after the departing lake, each new length of timber a bit less grayed than the extension before. Massive sea walls built in the 1950s stand guard against nothing.
Thirteen hundred miles east, a different story.
In New England, the Atlantic climbs relentlessly up the beach, chewing away at it in storms and hauling off pilings and homes and memories. Parts of Nantucket Island off the Massachusetts coast are disappearing at a rate of twelve feet per year. Little towns pull their historic lighthouses back from eroding cliffs, and that’s not something you can do with a lawn tractor, some rope and a big “Heave ho everybody.” Porch rockers who once peered through binoculars at distant seas can today feel the spray of waves falling on a sunburn.
Hoses Across America
History shows that when one man has too much of something another is desperate for, a conduit is not far behind. Having had a week off in which to brainstorm a solution, SawyerSpeaks is prepared to be the catalyst for this Big Solve. And you can help.
First, garden hoses. Get yours ready. Does it have a washer in the end? Any cracks? In a show of American ingenuity, we will string our garden hoses together and dip one end into the Atlantic in New England, where the water will flow in, and dip the other into Lake Michigan, where the water will flow out.
“But what of the salt in the water,” you’re thinking over fried eggs, coffee and cigarettes, “the ocean salt will ruin the lakes and kill the fish.” To which I reply, does anything smell better than eggs, coffee and cigarettes?
Simple: desalination plants, every few hundred miles. Remember last winter? It snowed so much, many northern towns ran out of road salt. Cars were sliding around faster than the Weather Channel could screw the Disaster Cam onto its tripod. “Wo, there goes a city bus sideways,” we cried in delight from our couch over cocoa and Cheeze-its. “Try and stop that bus, Sandra Bullock.”
And so today we have solved the Atlantic overage, the Great Lakes underage, and the road salt shortage, with nothing more than some lengths of rubber hose. There might be a Nobel Prize in this – I will try to remember to post a picture if a trophy arrives. Remind me. But first let me tell you about my new shampoo.
My favorite musician is Louis Armstrong – for his talent, his sound, and for somehow translating a childhood spent in a racist America into joyous music that continues to delight millions, years after his death.
My favorite athlete is Tiger Woods – for his work ethic, his sportsmanship, and for being the best there ever was at golf, a sport I don’t play any more because I kept falling off the ball washer.
My favorite President is Barack Obama – for his smarts, his tenacity, and the velocity with which he is pursuing and communicating creative solutions to monumental problems.
On the way home from work the other night I picked up some groceries and a bottle of Pantene shampoo, the flavor you see here. 
I plucked it from the shelf for its snazzy design, and the words “relaxed and natural’ which who would not want to be.
A closer look once home revealed the small type just below “relaxed and natural,” which reads “for women of color.” Two demographics I am not, right there.
I thought for a moment: given that my heroes seem to be black, is it possible that I, subconsciously, want to be as well? I am so white, I make Conan O’brien 
and Jim Gaffigan 
look like George Hamilton.
Who can say whether this reverse-Jackson theory is valid, without years of therapy? But in the interest of world peace and not liking to hold up a line by returning something, I will use this shampoo.
And, as needed, I will momentarily disconnect my transcontinental garden hose, I will rinse, and I will repeat.
© 2009 Jeff Sawyer
4 Comments
August 2, 2009 at 7:28 am
I do believe Sawyerspeaks makes the fried eggs and coffee taste better, too. Bravo!
August 3, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Mom likes your ‘ballwasher’ the best….
I like the whole blog…funny as ever.
My WebTV wouldn’t show the photos but your descriptions
overcame this.
DaD
August 4, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I have to agree with your mother, I liked the ball washer part myself. Having tried to play golf with nothing but severe embarrassment as the result, I was just imagining you trying to balance on top of the stupid ball washer. The pointy bits would be most uncomfortable. Thanks for the humor. It helps counteract the evil forces at work in the work world.
Andre
August 28, 2009 at 7:07 pm
“Lake Michigan’s water level is down four feet since 1997, retreating from the homes along its shores…….”
So now Lake Michigan has joined with the huge crowd of people (and so it seems, things) seeking to distance themselves from Michigan, it’s already across the state and getting even a few more feet away from Detroit.
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